Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
