im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
