i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
