I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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