I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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