i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
