Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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