But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
