I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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