so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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