he thought i was a dude.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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