I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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