good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
