im holly from the hills drunk
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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