I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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