Will you blow on my dice?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
