Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
this just has baby written all over it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
