my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
