A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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