the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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