I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fuck appropriateness.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
