so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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