OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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