He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
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