Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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