My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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