So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
