i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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