who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
