My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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