vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
