...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
