Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
