Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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