i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
