if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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