I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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