You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
