we'll go far in life on tits alone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
