Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
