i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
only if we run a train.
done.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
