i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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