Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
