Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
