At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's never too late to be topless.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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