It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
a search helicopter?!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
