I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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