evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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