so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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