You're my little dorito
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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