Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
