can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he puts the penis in happiness.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
