We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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