Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Duck Duck Cougar?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
