You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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