It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
