best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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