He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
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