I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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